Anger is an outward emotion. Underneath, however, are always feelings of fear, hurt, helplessness, or guilt-or a combination of these. Since anger is a God-given emotion, it’s not necessarily bad. If handled properly, it can be used for good and to create change.
There are five possible ways of managing anger. I’ll tell you now, the first three can be very harmful and they don’t resolve the problem!
SUPPRESSION is when you pretend or deny that you are angry. Holding in your feelings of anger can actually even lead to health problems in addition to emotional struggles. Also, when you suppress your anger you are setting yourself up for a blow up.
OPEN AGGRESSION includes yelling, stomping, complaining, arguing, criticizing, blaming, throwing things and even physically harming someone else. Basically it’s a rude way of saying, “I want my own way!”
PASSIVE AGGRESSION is not outwardly aggressive but it is still a destructive way of handling anger. With passive aggression you basically shut down. You may also gossip or talk about people behind their back or sulk. Passive aggression is not healthy or effective because it avoids conflict, and therefore the source of the issue is never addressed or corrected.
ASSERTIVENESS is a healthy way to handle anger, and it’s how God would have us to deal with our anger. The person who is assertive will address the issue with others involved, but will do so constructively and respectfully rather than with open or passive aggression.
When you can use assertiveness properly you will be able to work towards solving your problems and issues that come up in your life. An assertive person can work well with others to communicate effectively and work together towards a suitable solution.
LETTING GO OF ANGER is what you must do when there is no other way to solve the problem and deal with your anger. You may have worked very hard towards a possible solution, but sometimes it is simply out of your control. When you let go of anger you accept the fact that you can’t change the situation, so you decide to move past it.
New events may cause old hurts and frustrations to resurface. Remind yourself of your choice to forgive and commit to the same choice with this new episode.
Ann Shorb is a counseling, writer, and speaker. Through her counseling ministry, CCES, she provides services for sexual addiction, premarital counseling and more.